it is better to be hated for what you are then to be loved for what you are not...

The Perfect Ending

2006-08-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

When someone you love goes away for a long time, you learn to love them even more. You begin to realize everything they really meant to you. You playback all of your memories with that person - but because you love them you know you can't be sad...you have to be strong; and it's the love that keeps you going, the love that keeps you from being lonely, end the love that keeps you from crying.

You told me not to cry when you left. I tried as a hard as I could not to that last time I would see you for months. And though I have kept myself from crying so far, I cry everyday in my heart. I miss YOU!

What do you do when your best friend goes away? When the person who cheers you up when you are down is GONE. You learn to live without them, and hopefully when you come into contact again and see each other again...you will each understand each other without saying a word.

What do you do when you are lonely? You turn to God. You learn to trust that if these people are meant to be with you, they will be. You cannot fight what might happen. If you grow apart, you have to look back with happiness, knowing that they were the person who got you through. But God never changes and He is always there. He will bring a brighter day!

The perfect Ending is when you can all be together again, when a new beginning comes.

soul meets body

2006-02-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

I forgot I had this. I really did. So I am quite sure, that as of now, no one is reading this. So I can say what I feel.

I read one time, that you change about 150% to 200% from the time of middle school until you graduate college. It never seemed possible to me, but how so changing. As I look back on my blogs, I have matured so much. All around I have changed. My thoughts and views of things especially. As I look back, I cant believe this much time has passed...

I am so happy that I am finally finding who I am and I am not afraid to tell people about my true stand on things, or how I really feel. All apart of growing up I suppose.

I am so happy.

let it all out

2005-12-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

Someone recently (actually today) told me I should start posting again. This idea is quite enthralling.

As I tried to think of things I wanted to say, nothing was coming to me, so I read some of my previous posts. It sure is interesting to see the things you write from another time, and to see those feelings you had at that time that you wrote. Time is going by so fast...this year for instance - we are almost done with the first semester. The thought kind of scares me. I want to jump under the covers and watch a good movie and feel like a kid again. Not that I am still not a 'kid'- but just that things keep piling up - although I know God doesnt give us things we cant handle, I cant but help feeling on the contrary...then again, you dont know the things you can do until you are called or pushed to do them. But some of these circumstances (being called or pushed to a foriegn level) feels to faced paced - I suppose that's a part of growing up.

I have 5 papers due within the next week (four of those on Monday)and I am not as far as I need to be.

Nonetheless, it is almost Christmas. I really love this time of year. Even though Christmas is very commercialized and has lost most of its meaning, I really enjoy doing lights and the christmas tree and baking cookings. I also enjoy the music and the smells of the candles. I also really like having fires in the fireplace, which is happening every waking moment at my house, due to our lack of a heater that works downstairs. (There are two units...it's just good that the one upstairs works, because that is where we sleep and because there is no fireplace upstairs!!!)

Another reason I am very excited about our SHORT Christmas break is to spend time with family and be able to do some things I enjoy. I havnt had time to read a good book since the summer, and I am looking foward to doing just that.

I am starting to really not like driving. There are so many careless drivers, and cars are so dangerous. My cousin is still in a wheelchair from the wreck she was in in September. I wish she was closer so I could visit her. I havn't seen her in a long time...not even sense her accident. Mostly becaue of school and because my parents schedule and mine never find a way to work out.

It's getting pretty late, and this post wasnt too well. But I could at least update you with whats going on....something is coming to mind soon, I can feel it. A good conversational topic :)

TIS' THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ~Ashley

.........

2005-10-31T20:46:00.000-08:00

Sprite (noun)- an imaginary being usually having a small human form and magical powers....

Who would have thought. This may be completely random, but I was drinking some sprite while reading an article on the enternet, and I decided to look up SPRITE...I will never look at the can the same again.....funny that it is Halloween when I decide to do this.

I havn't posted in a long time. I havn't been my norm in a while, and writing became somehting I really adapted to as far as expressing my thoughts. Something about writing them out made me have a sense of security. I have forever more longed for that security (I don't think that is the word I am looking for, but close enough) of writing.

Life keeps throwing obstacles at me, and I feel as if I can hardly dodge them...I feel like a fish in a cat eat fish world....haha, what a random comparison...

I have homework to tend to now. So long for the mean time.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

and when it all falls down

2005-09-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

As we were going...it was great. It was a pretty day. All was well. I was feeling good, a little tired, but happy.

And in the blink of an eye it all changed. SO FAST. And when I saw it, I didn't believe it, it was almost like a day dream. It was bumpy and shaky, and it hurt. I had no earthly idea what I was seeing.

And Nick said my name. And told me to stop the car. And then I realized. But I wasn't sure if I was seeing it right.

Then it started smelling, my hand was hurting, I couldn't breath - I had to get out of the car. And as I did, I couldn't believe where I was, after seeing what I saw. How did I end up in this terrible sitaution.

The glass was broken. My arm was red, and my chest hurt and burned. Nick was bleeding. He asked me if I was okay, but I didn't respond. Then he asked me again, and I said, "My dad is going to kill me!!!!" At that moment it was happening, I didn't think of anything, I didn't know what to think, I passed out twice. But then when I was there standing and looking, I still didn't know what to think, what to do, what to say.

Since the accident, I have been very weary of cars and roads. It scares me a lot. Be very careful guys, don't take driving as too light a responsiblity.

ohio is for lovers

2005-09-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

Music is good.

walk two moons...

2005-08-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

As tired as I am at the moment. I have been inspired to write another post. It has been awhile...

In the past few minutes I have taken a look back at these past couple of weeks. Chapel friday was amazing, and I wanted to say something...I knew God wanted me to, but I didn't know what it was that He wanted me to say. And as I sat there and just listened to the inspirational words and stories, I felt many emotions inside of me. I felt like crawling in a ball and going to sleep like a cat...thinking for some time, it may just be possible to not have to think about anything, to not feel anything...to be calm and relaxed. But how could I lie to myself. I have been so far away from God, but so close at the same time. And as people spoke, He spoke through me. The power of words is just appaling to me.

So in the past few minutes, I have been thinking about things I have said. And these words have also been appaling. But not in a way where I am like turning so bad or anything. But just in a way where I have realized that I too have lost some faith that I had when I first became a Christian. I have so much faith, but it is as I have put it on hold until I see something happen again. I honestly do not know where the extremity of my faith I once had for God has gone. And I see everything that has happend to Mr. Davis, and I have just realized that God is never too late or early. And all though fears of my parents dying and where they would go after words scares me half to death, I can have faith in God and know that it will be okay. But for some reason in my head, it seems so cliche to say that everything will be okay. I pray all the time about it. I have for the past 2 years. But did I ever take a moment to think that it could be because I was waisting my time doing something else, instead of doing something that could change all of it. Like wasting the time I could have had with God. And because of that, I have possibly delayed it even more. Because my lack of faith and prayer....I do not know if what I am saying makes even the slightest sense. But this is how I feel. I do not think I could describe it any better.

Another thing I want to say is that sometimes I feel so judged. I feel like ppl constantly stereotype me. And yes I go out with Seth, but you wouldn't understand. And I am not just saying this to say this, but because I feel it is important. I don't know the thoughts that are running in your head about me, but right now I am not too concerned, because I know the judgment. You can think what you want. But you really have no idea until you have walked in someone elses shoes. Sometimes when I look at myself I see two completely different people. But there are not two different people, I am always the same person. And I am not going to sit there and accuse myself of being hypocrytical. It is just that you only see me at school and only talk to me at school, and you are not able to see another side of me. A side that constantly cries out that I am not like everyone thinks. I am not just another prep going to GCS who should be going to public school. I love my school and I choose to go there. And if you want to know the honest truth, my parents want me in public school. But they don't know me as well as I know myself. And there comes a time when there are decisions I should make.

Not that I am not gulity of this as well, but we need to all stop judging people soo much. We have no idea what the other person walks through...we can act like we do. But we never will know all the thoughts that run through the person sitting next to us. Sometimes these people can be people you even think you know really well.

That's really all I have to say right now. I am now officially extremely tired!!! Have a goog night :)

mmhmm

2005-08-12T00:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote another post a couple of days ago, only to be interrupted by a power cut off. As one can imagine, I lost everything I wrote. By then I was way to aggrevated to try to write it again. So here I am. I thought I could use another post. My last one was so sad and dramatic.

I have nothing to say. It is interesting that school is right around the corner. I am hungry, and I want some blueberry muffins. So I will go make some. Wow, there is really no point of this post, but I am tired of seeing that sad dramatic one up.

I have been doing a lot of thinking too. I dont know what to think about things anymore.

I am glad I am coming back to GCS. Kind of. Well I am. But my thinking has made me doubt any decisions I have made. I know other people there who would have been more then happy to help me find my way around and whatever. But just the thought of Amy leaving and such scared me to no end. Even though she was only in two of my classes. I am happy at GCS and even though I don't like the fact that everybody always knows everything about you. Which is very scary. I always feel like I am walking on this thin line, always being watched. And if I mess up, or make a mistake, I loose any dignity I ever might have had. Or any respect for that matter. But despite it all, people eventually dont think to much of it. I like knowing my classmates. And its as simple as that. Yeah, college will be different. I know that, and I am excited to meet more people who schare my same interests. But right now, I need to be at GCS. It's something that God has laid in my heart.

I am way too hungry now. Later :)

caught in the light

2005-07-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

The pull and the force - the strongest I would ever experience. The thrill and the excitment from within - in the moment, thinking, this is it, this is the end. The thought of my life flashing before my eyes. A split second of rush from within, recalling many memories. A quick flash of what I thought would be the last time I would live.

The storm was strong, and the winds were fierce, and the sky so intense with rumbling noises. My eyes saw the drops of water fall from above. Everything exactly how God made it to be. The nosies, the intensity, the thrill, and the rush that each bolt of thunder and lightning made - it was all perfect.

And then it happend. As I awaited my mother to find umbrellas, I looked out into the driveway from my garage. Just close enough to the edge so I could see more of this intense storm, but far enough not to get wet. And there it was, as clear as ever. I felt as if I had been knocked off my feet. The hype that was present in my body was unbelievable. Within a few feet I saw a bolt of lightening joust the ground. My body froze. I didn't relize what was happening, and all I could make out was that it was loud, bright, and very forceful.

The fright that I had thinking that I had not done what I was sent here to do. A feeling of being so far away from God, but ever so close. The explanation for this I cannot explain to you any more. It has given me a very close feel to "live like you were dying".

Here I will draw the line.

This weekend has been almost parallel to my thrilling, on the edge, storm experience of being the closest to lightning I will probably ever be.

Everything is so jumbled into my head. What did I do? Why? Why? WHY?

I don't have an answer. And I am sorry if this seems so confusing. But I can't explain anymore. All I can say is that this is one of those times you want to hit yourself. The guilt that lies inside of me is probably the most intense I have ever felt. I was so close to the things I have always been so far away from. Anything could have happend. I am just so thankful that nothing bad happend.

The lies have to stop! Why did we do it? Why did we risk it? Why did we put ourselves into terrible situations? We wanted to hang out. We wanted to have a good time without someone telling us we had to go home. So we stayed, and we lied.

I stayed up until five in the morning with friends, and now I must sleep because I have drivers ed in the morning. The joy that encompasses my heart is like nothing else I have ever felt.

I will never again do what I did this weekend.

Now I will listen to music and wallow. Somewhere in between I will sleep.

Thats all.

somewhere between the darkness and the light my spirit takes to flight. the colors fill the sky and I am free.

2005-07-08T01:40:00.000-07:00

"The Perfect Ending"- Sraylight Run
taken in context its not a bad thing-but when you start to pick it apart, it gets so depressing. you peel back the layers and get down to the inside; but sometimes you lose sight of what it was you were trying to find. and its that sort of thing that makes you think too much; its that sort of thing that makes you lose your objectivity...so if you made it-...just be glad that you did and stay there. if you ever feel loved or needed, remember that you're one of the lucky ones, and if its over, just remember what I told you, it was bound to happen, so just keep moving on.....there are no perfect endings....

I just felt like putting that song on here because I like what it says. And today, I have realized so much that I almost feel as if I am on some adventure. It is so amazing. Today, London was bombed in some transportational systems, as many of you probably know. But I just can't help but think about all these things. I mean, sometimes I use to be affraid of where I was going and that I might fall short of God's plan and will, but today..God has just spoken to me, and I am not affraid of it, but more concerned with others. Like to think about everything, all the people around me who are dying...it becomes so much less about my life...because I dont have to be affraid of changing and falling short, because the faith that I have in Him. It's so amazing, I can't even put my experience in words. And I cant stop thinking about how more than likely there were people who died in London who never knew about God. And that hurts. Hurts more then any of my concerns. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ, we have a right to care. I have just been so wrapped up in my own little bubble that it makes me sick. And I couldnt get my mind off the thought of our country getting wiped out by a nuclear bomb. It could so easily happen. Nothing surprises Him, and yet all this surprises us. Man, I wish I could juct explain better. "....so just keep moving on....there are no perfect endings."

i try and try again, but i just keep failing

2005-06-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

I am taking a break from blogging. For how long? Umm, I am not too sure.

all that noise and all that sound, all those places I got found. all the birds flying at the speed of sound.......

2005-06-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

The new feel of summer is long gone. I am very use to it now, and by the time I am really in the groove of things, school will be there as a long awaited friendly friend who never lets you down.

There are some new, but not too lavishly exciting things that I should feel the need as of now to tell you about... (I laugh at myself) I have started working in my dads office doing business stuff, like filing, and answering telephones, and making technological devices work properly, and book appointments, and talk to the patients. It is wonderfully exciting, sometimes. Today was the longest day, and I mean it. I don't even feel like explaining my day, but in all factuality, if that is a word, yesterday was the longest day of the year, as well as the first day of summer....a happy summer to all and to all a happy summer....I think the patients are kicking in......haha... I have also read another really good book, and I liked it, and I am about to start another one, how exciting!!!!! YA HOO...THE GAME is tonight, game 7 of finals, and I am just longely awaiting to see it, it is going to be so much more intense, as if these finals han't been!!!!

So I was thinking, I have allowed a nice amount of time since my last post to post again. So why hasn't anybody yet to show me the real weezer...... for most of my listening, I have been litening to inspirational music, I just really love Christian music...I feel kind of stupid sometimes because I feel that nobody my age enjoys it as much as I do, but I now there has to be someone else my age who enojys it thoroughly as much as I do.

As for anything more interesting to write, the freshness and vibrance is coming...JULY 4th to theaters everywhere.

And if you havn't noticed, I have been in a really good mood, and have felt the need to emphasize what I have felt needs to be EMPHASIZED...if you get the point, if you don't I am moving on anyway....

So I leave you with.....a goodbye, thats all for now!!!! Note: Enjoy your summer while it lasts! My sincerest regards and warm wishes, truly yours ~Ashley~

the beat goes on

2005-06-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, I was woken with a loud, ringing noise, right next to my ear, so early I didn't know what was happening. Small spurts of sunshine were peaking through my blinds that I became overly excited that this summer was finally going to look and feel like the fresh, hot, humid, summer I have always known. Finally, after I was done realizing what actually was occuring, I answered the obnoxious phone, that somehow mysteriously ended up on my bedside table, only to be chatted with for ten minutes by one of my moms lovely friends. She really is a lovely lady, I just didn't really feel like talking, seeing as I JUST woke up. But nonetheless, she was talking to me, and asking me questions, that I couldn't help but bring the nice acting skills in. When we were finally done chatting, I laid in my bed for a few minutes longer, hoping just for somemore outragously good feeling sleep, to only realize that I was wide awake! What then should I do with myself?

So, I decided to go to the bathroom, seeing as my bladder was really bothering my brain about the whole matter. Well I couldn't help but take another peak of this joyous summer, so I carefully looked through the blinds (in the bathroom, after I was finished) almost as if I was affraid of what I would see. There it was, the beautiful summer day, bright an shining, hot and humid...but flat out telling me, you won't be enjoying it in your pool. Two interesting men figures were doing wierd things with my EMPTY messed up pool! No, I wanted to swim in it today! It was at this point, I was greatly disturbed that I would not spend my day swimming. So I simply had to move on.

But being only 9 in the morning, I wasn't sure what to do. So then, when all else fails, you have to ask, are you hungry? Surprisingly, actually, greatly surprisingly, I was not hungry, but decided to look for something good to eat anyway. So I moseyed on downstairs, to only be unsatisfied with what I found. So I decided, I was not going to be eating (for now).

From this point, I really had no earthly idea what I should do. SO I decided to watch television. I watched some interesting, very interesting, music videos on fuse. And watched some other thing on Coldplay. By the time I retired from this activity, I realized I really liked Weezer and Coldplay. So I continued singing the songs, inside my head of course, because my singing abilities are VERY limitited. So now I had to move on.

I moseyed on back up stairs - what a fervent event might I add! So at once, I decided to see what was going on elswhere, and got on the computer to be outragiously dissapointed that there was no one available to talk. And then it occured to me, most of them are sleeping, silly me. It was then almost as if I expected a numurous amount of people to get online. But then it hit, BY GOLLY, their still SLEEPING! So I decided to be rapped up in my own world, with my sims. And that is where I remained for awhile.

Watching my sims eat was beginning to make me very hungry. By now, you should now, it was about two in the afternoon, when I decided to get off the game. When I did so, well I can't remember if anyone was on that I talked to. Oh wait, actually there was. Good, accountable, friendly Steven! So we talked and it felt a little bit better to know more then just what was going on in my silly life. Anyhow, I am really not too sure about the times of these events...but it was somewhere in the early afternoon.

At once I knew I had to eat, so I did so. Had a wonderful, creamy, alfredo pasta! Yum...well actually it was just okay. Then I felt distgustingly gross, realizing how long I had been up and hadn't even showered. So I did just that, and it was a mighty great feeling of cleanliness. Well, as I was getting dressed, for no apparent reason, obviously, I had nowhere to go or anything, but my mom got home. And it was then I decided to chauffeur her around. Which I wanted to do, by the way, its not like there was anything of greater importance that I had to do. This chauffeuring event lasted all the rest of my afternoon, and at about 6 did I return home. Might I add, that while we were out, I bought a book, to keep me busy when I got bored. Well, the first thing I did was go online. This event didn't satisfy my bordemness one enitre bit, so I decided to read.

Now, being the silly person I am, I completely forgot how much I thoroughly enjoyed reading a good book. So I continuned to read, and then, finally, dinner was ready. I was so happy! I had been reading a great book, and now I finally got to fill a very empty stomach. Well it wasn't too empty becaus earlier my mom and I had Wendy's, and I had a cheeseburger, and really large fries, and an outragously large frosty! It was all so scrumptious. Both meals by which I am refering to their scrumptiousness. After dinner, I resided in reading more. Soon after, I really didn't want to read on the couch I was on, so I moved.

By now, I should inform you that it is around 9 pm. So, at once I move to my room. I get extremely comfortable under my covers with a great book in my hands, and start reading where I left out for a mere 40 seconds. BOOM, CRASH, FLASH! A thunderstorm had started. It was at this point, I was excited to no end, like a child receiving exactly what they wanted on their birthday, and it was then, I heard the rain drops. They were falling on my window, just enough so I could hear them, not too low or too loud. It was perfect. And I read. I read and read. And the thunder and lightening eventually faded, and sadly, so did the rain drops. But by then, I had been reading for a mere 3 hours, so it was time that the storm stopped. At once, I persisted to continue reading in this book that I was entirely engrossed in. And the story got good, it got really good. But then, this small erge of sleepiness began bothering me. And by 1:30 in the morning, I decided, it was time to let my head rest. But I desperately wanted to finish the book. But I new I needed to go to sleep. So I did just that.

And today I woke up at one in the afternoon. And once again, I was delighted by the sunshine, and inspired to write this story. Now, my hunger is being obsessively compulsive. So after I eat, I will read. I am excited to the ends of this earth, and back again, to continue this great story. But when I finish, I will be sad I have nothing else to read, so I will go buy the sequel to this enchaning novel. And sometime tonight, I am due to go eat ice cream! In between then, I suppose you can find me reading! Thats all for now. Sorry about any errors, I can't read over this long thing too many times :)

And all these lines fall short of what I had in mind....

2005-06-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

...a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling,
so I just try,
fail and try and try again,
someday I swear I am going to get it,
because I am convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is,

so we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
let them ferment and came back to our senses,
drove back home and slept a few days,
woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be.....
_________________________________________________________________
If you can name this song, I will love you so much you will have no idea what ever took over your heart....haha

Well tonight marks the beginning of something new, and along with that something continued. I don't know if I make any sense...sorry to confuse you. Thats all for now.

where you lead, I will follow...

2005-05-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Sitting in a new room, on a different computer, in TN. Sometimes I really wonder why I live in Greenwood. It just amazes me, that of all the places I could be living, or different families, I am where I am...where God put me. Yes, I know He has great plans for me, as well as all of us, but sometimes you still ask why, how, etc. It is kind of different in this town, and I like it a lot. It has a lot to do, and it is a really new town, so the plus is that it's nice and convenient. From my cousins house you can be in walking distance of anything you want to do. And if you want to do something more, like see a concert, you really only have to drive like 15 minutes. It's quite fun up here, I must admit, Greenwood...is quite boring. Well enough of my ramblings, I have really been having a good time with the family, but only soon to return. And by the way, driving was fun. I drove about half the way here...not any ordinary road, mind you, but freeways, or whatever you call them in the south. It was stressful and fun at the same time. Going fast wasn't the problem, I had that down, but the trucks, they are a real big pain! So thats that. What I am going to do when I get back, I have no idea!

She Shines So Bright

2005-05-23T23:06:00.000-07:00

I miss my mom. Over the past week, I have come to really see how great it is to have my mom around. She does so much for my family. Can I tell you how bad the house smelled the past couple of days....I don't think you could even understand. Everything was becoming so...I dunno. But today I was cleaning up, and I couldn't help but think how my mom is the one who is always cleaning. I hope I can change that when she gets back. I really miss her so much, and her cooking. It costs so much to eat out, and I havn't cooked any because it compares nothing to my moms cooking, so I may as well not waste money to make something burnt or gross. Haha. Anyways, just thought you could think about how great your mom is...moms are wonderful people...to think one day I might be a mom, excites me very much, but I don't know God's plans. I just want Him to guide me.

The end of school, officially, is tomorrow. How exciting!!! Maybe it is exciting, but now I have almost nothing to do. I take that back, I have a lot I could be doing, but am not doing. If only I could drive. One thing I really need to do this summer is get healthier and in shape. Over the past 6 months I have gained about 20 pounds. All that unhealthy fast food that I have been eating because of my hectic schedule during the year has been gaining on me.... Hopefully I can manage myself much better next year. But I need the summer to start some better habits, or basically to correct my unhealthy eating habits. So, I suppose I am trying to say I need to work out and eat more nutritionally. Besides that, I have a lot of other things to do, like help around the community. Many local and other misson trips are planned for this summer, along with many church activities. I am also going to work for my parents, and my mom wants me to take piano, and I would like to start bowling more. Sadly I have lost the good skills I once had in bowling, but I would like to be on a summer league, or something like it for that matter. Other then that, I would just like to relax, enjoy the time that God gives me...and not try to plan too much, because you never know...so arts and crafts, and other such activities I am also looking foward to. I also I am looking foward to spending most of my summer building my relationship with Him...so prayer would be great.

Other then summer, and other things, I suppose I am doing okay. I am not having a hard or bad time or anything. Just those thoughts that always nag you...if that makes any sense. Thats all for now, I don't want to bore you or spend so much time on the computer.

The Beatitudes

2005-05-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

As I look around me, I see many things that strike my mind. Why is everyone dating or in love with someone for one month or a week? How do they know they are in love? And if they really were, how come they love someone else next week? And while they are in love, they do stupid things. At least, I look to them as stupid things. Why kiss someone you barely know? It all boggles me as to why people do this. I know they want this temporary security of love, but what good does that do you, make you more experienced for when you get married? If you ask me, you are going to get bored when you get married if you did all this stuff in high school or college. Why can't people be in love with God? That sounds sort of wierd when you put it like that, but people honestly have the hardest time letting God fill them up. I am not talking about the people who have never been shown Christianity or anything, but people who grow up in Christian homes, or go to Christian schools, or go to church and call themselves Christians. I know that when I was showed this new perspective, it did not hit me until I had lots of problems. But because that seed was planted, in a couple of months I found myself hungry for more of God. And it is at that point that I began reading the Bible. So, I want to ask you, where are you with God? Matthew 5 shows us some beatitudes, from where I obtain this list to ask you where do you stand...

1. (Matthew 5:3) Poor in spirit- realize need for Jesus. You are in need of God.
2. (Matthew 5:4) Mourn- desire change. When you want something bad enough that you have to have it, it will draw you to mourning.
3. (Matthew 5:5) Meek- yield yourself to training. You could call this discipleship.
4. (Matthew 5:6) Hunger and thirst for righteousness - increasingly desire Jesus for righteousness.
5. (Matthew 5:7) Merciful- journey result -- heart change. You must be merciful before you can become pure in heart.
6. (Matthew 5:8) Pure in heart- journey result -- reflect Jesus. Get the bitterness out of your life and you will be amazed at what you will see. The image of Christ cannot be humanly made, but it can be reflected.
7. (Matthew 5:9) Peacemaker- journey result -- disciple others. You have to have peace within yourself before you make make peace with others.
8. (Matthew 5:10) Persecuted- journey result -- reflection and insult. If you honestly do what God calls you to do, you will be persecuted.

The reason I bring this up is because I am seeing one of my good friends really in need of change because she continually has to have this temporary pleasure. I am not saying I have never been guilty of this, because I most deffinently have. A lot of it has to do with peer pressure as well. But I hope that she can realize this...and I hope she does that soon so that she won't get herself in any trouble.

Today we dropped my mom off at the airport. She will be gone for about two weeks. She really wanted me to go with her, but I can't because of school...Our drama play is this week, and I really need to start working on my lines. Well, I have a paper to write, so I need to stop procrastinating here. Have a good day....

Confessions of an Obnoxious Christian

2005-05-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

Don't Give Me Jesus …
… if giving me Jesus means
telling me about your beliefs,
then walking away.
Don't give me Jesus,
if giving me Jesus means
judging me by appearance,
but never trying to see who I really am.
Don't give me Jesus,
if giving me Jesus means
you're right no matter what,
and I'm wrong no matter what.

Do Give Me Jesus …
… if giving me Jesus means
walking beside me just like
Jesus walked beside
lepers and losers.
Do give me Jesus,
if giving me Jesus means
listening more than talking.
Do give me Jesus,
if giving me Jesus means
laughing with me when I need to laugh,
and crying with me when I need to cry.
Do give me Jesus,
if giving me Jesus means
letting me know when
my actions are harmful or destructive.
Do give me Jesus,
if giving me Jesus means
being my friend.

If you give me Jesus
wrapped in your friendship,
I may be more ready to listen
to what you have to say.—Anonymous

As I have been trying to prepare for speaking, I have been looking at serveral articles and such. The site I found some good things at was http://www.christianitytoday.com/teens/. Sometimes we are so excited about sharing our faith, but we don't need to go around talking so much. Be more of a friend and show your faith through your actions - people will see this difference, and then wonder. They will want what you have and they will ask you about it, because they know you have something they don't. So who are you? Sometimes you need to look in the mirror, honestly. And I can garuntee you that what you will see will, more than likely, be something you don't like or want to see. Looking in the mirror scares me, because I could not honestly tell you that it didn't. I am sure it scares all of us, because we Christians really are so unlike our Christ.

Tonight marks the beginning of something new. God is in control. It takes a while to finally admit it. I have a new way of looking at things tonight. Maybe because I am really fed up with what goes on around me, and I try my hardest to resemble Christ, but no one seems to care and lift me up and encourage me. So, instead of waiting until you go on that mission trip this summer, explore something new right here. Lift up people at school. After all, we are a Christian school arn't we? But the many students that attend our school, are certainly not in the right place with God. It is not my place to judge any of this, but really, how come we are so different at church. It is really stupid we are this way...

Hopefully I am not coming across in any wrong way...but maybe a new light and way to look at something. Just a piece of what I was thinking about right now - I know I am not perfect. But I am perfectly imperfect because I am human, and Christ, who is perfectly perfect gave me a hand. He has been my greatest friend this year, and every year of my life, if only I realized that sooner. That is all for now. Have a great day!

Think About It

2005-05-07T16:55:00.000-07:00

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things." - Donald Miller

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Mahatma Gandhi

"What seems our worst prayers may really be, in God's eyes, our best. Those, I mean, which are least supported by devotional feeling. For these may come from a deeper level than feeling. God sometimes seems to speak to us most intimately when he catches us, as it were, off our guard." - C.S. Lewis

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." - C.S. Lewis

"A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is....A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in." -C.S. Lewis

"Many things -- such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly -- are done worst when we try hardest to do them." - C.S. Lewis

Some quotes to think about. Thats all for now.

A Friend's Greeting

2005-04-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me;

I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be;

I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day

As you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way.

I'd like to do the big things and the splendid things for you,

To brush the gray from out your skies and leave them only blue;

I'd like to say the kindly things that I so oft have heard,

And feel that I could rouse your soul the way that mine you've stirred.

I'd like to give you back the joy that you have given me,
Yet that were wishing you a need I hope will never be;

I'd like to make you feel as rich as I, who travel on

Undaunted in the darkest hours with you to lean upon.

I'm wishing at this time that I could but repay

A portion of the gladness that you've strewn along my way;

And could I have one wish this year, this only would it be:

I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me.

- Edgar A Guest -

I came across this poem today and I really liked it - especially because I think of that other friend as Jesus, and I really just wish that I could be the friend that He has been to me. But I know I never could repay the things He has done for me, or the gladness He has given me along my way!

Another thing to think about because I don't really have anything else to write about this week. It has just been another busy school week, draining any writing abilities, which arn't too great anyway. Thats all for now. I am super tired and I have to get up early to work tomorrow.

Self Awareness - Reflection

2005-04-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." - Leo Tolstoy

Just something to think about! That's all for now...I am extremely tired and an early morning awaits me!

The Bat is Now with His Friends and Enjoying His Night.

2005-04-24T01:03:00.000-07:00

There is no longer a bat in my garage.

Haha...I suppose that would have something to do with the time of day it now is.

To make a long story short, what my mother and I thought was one fury big wierd spider with two wierd legs, was a bat. He was on the ceiling of my garage for about the whole day....and when I came home tonight he was gone.

Which leads me to another story. I was kind of scared coming in through the garage and decided to run fast into the house. Note: When was the last thing I attempted ever achieved in success? Well this may be added to the list. My dad locked the door because he left the garage open to let the bat out. This would be the door that I planned on running through, but instead ran into. Might I add that this shouldn't be tried at home. It hurt.

But I am sure it wouldn't hurt more than the almost killed deer and almost killed man.

Hmmm....this sounds a bit too dramatic. But it was. Or at least it seemed to be.

Nonetheless, I had a good night (besides running into my door) and thought you might like to know about it. Thats all for now.

I am sorry for the choppy-ness and random-ness, and grammatical-error-ness of my entry. You will have to excuse me, it is too late, or would it be early? I don't know, this is entirely too much after some eventfull experiences (running into my door just might have something to do with it). But I guess I shouldn't feel too bad because my writing is never really any better...but oh I need to stop typing. Thats all.

The Perfect Love

2005-04-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone longs to give himself to another to be loved. But God Says, "No, Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content being loved by Me alone and see that only through Me lies your satisfaction, you won't be capable of the perfect human relationship I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united in Me. Stop planning and wishing. Allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan, one you can't imagine. Please allow Me to bring it to you. Keep watching Me. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. WAIT. Don't look at things others have recieved from Me. Look to Me or you will miss what I want to show you. When you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you ever dreamed. You see, I'm waiting until you and the one I have for you are ready. I am working this very minute to have both ready at the same time. Until you are both living fully FOR ME in the life I have prepared, you won't be able to experience the love that reflects your relationship with Me" - The Perfect Love

Why can't I be in the sunshine?

2005-04-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

Last night I experienced a very monumental event at the house of Katie Hinrichs. A group of us gathered at her house for the genious idea of practicing the making of Clarkage's birthday cake - mind you a very experimental event. The Fruity Pebbles Cake was very good. Besides the eventful making of the cake, we played some tennis. Another sport to add to the list of sports I am not good at.

This morning I went to New Covenant Tabernacle, which I deffinently miss. Its just a part of me because that was around the time I became a Christian and they were very guiding to me.

And now I linger at the computer typing away at my paper...since this monster is making me. However, I have taken a few short moments to tell you what I have been doing. It really is not fun being inside writing a paper on a gorgeous day like today. Oh the many things I could be doing if I didn't have to write this paper. Sorry this blog wasn't much, I am kind of writing something else at the moment...with which I will post when it is finished(maybe). Thats all for now. (answer to my title - because this monster won't allow me to)

(Mood: Good)

The Monster

2005-04-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

I do say the amount of joy that is leaping inside of me is quite overwhelming. It's quite exciting to catch up with other people you havn't talked to in a while...who knew you would find them through blogs...

Anyhow, the other bit of joy that is leaping inside of me...is something I feel that God wants me to do - which is speak in the student-lead chapel that we are having (I believe its next Friday). However I am not quite to sure what He wants me to speak about...but I have faith that He will give me words and such.

One very large monster has captured me, requiring me to be completely busy with schoolwork. I do believe that I will be continuing to remain with this monster for about another couple of weeks. May I just add that the time I have spent with this monster has not been too exciting, but rather overwhelming. My time with this monster has also taken the amount of time I can spend writing in my blog (my apologies). I am sorry to say I have no exciting things to tell you because of this monster, and he is once again taking me away for I have much more work to get done. I must go, he is waiting on me - thats all for now.

(mood: good, considering the monster)
(listening to: the thoughts that run through my head as I do my schoolwork) haha, this is not a song or any type of music (just in case you were wondering)

A Friend

2005-04-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

What if all I needed was a friend?
Someone to talk to, and be talked to in return.
Someone to care for, and be cared for in return.
Someone to comfort, and be comforted in return.
Someone to understand, and be understood in return.
Someone to love, and be loved in return.
Someone to confide in, and be confided-in in return.
Someone to to treat like family, and be treated like family in return.
Someone to cry to, and be cried to in return.
Someone to cherish, and be cherished in return.
Someone to listen to, and be listened to in return.
Someone to teach to, and be taught to in return.

What if all I need was a family?
Someone who is all of this, and all of this in return, but even beyond.

All I need is a person who feels the same way I do, because sometimes I need someone living right now to help.

All of this is a need for God.
But sometimes that one other person who is all of this, but beyond is needed, because together you can do greater things to glorify Him.

People make a difference.
So what if all I needed was all of this in a human form because by myself I know I am not doing the most I can do for God?

Many would say this is family -- I assure you this is not mine.

Friends like this are hard to come across; cherish them and be thankfull for them with all of your heart. For me, my friends are my "family" -- and my family is just the people I am related to. If your family is like my friends, cherish them and be thankfull for them with all of your heart and beyond, because not every family is like this, and not every friend is either.

I am not quite sure what I am trying to get across by saying all of this. But this is how I feel everyday. I am not sad or anything, but just so happy and thankfull for all He does for me. But I am in so much need of a friend who I know together we could glorify Him in a much greater way then we could by ourselves. I think that one person has come along in my life, how much I appreciate them as a friend, they have no idea. All of this is sincerely how I feel, and is not some cliche. Thats all for now.

An Industrious Weekend

2005-04-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

I am not quite sure where to begin. However, I am sure you (very little amount of readers I actually obtain) will not be too interested in hearing about my weekend. Just for the record, I have actually had a life this weekend - been busy and having fun. Very much so having had no time to post.

Today we had a softball tournament...which on a pleasant note went considerbly (spelling?) well. We won our first two games, and came close against Greenwood High in our last game. All in all we came in second...but I am not too sure how it all works anyway.

Last night I had a late night. A fun late night. I experienced, with my very own body, being in two places at the same time. Such a lifechanging event and moment (I know). I also played that fun dance game...I am not quite sure how to explain it, but I didn't do to well in that, lets just say I am rather funny to watch trying to attempt such a coordinated game - too coordinated for me!
And various other things like randomly stopping places and eating and such.

However, all of this has eaten away my weekend. Tragic. Tomorrow I am left with unpleasant school work. There are so many things I would much rather do then waist my time with homework. Did I fail to metion we are already at the school 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, 180 days of the year...and even more if you play a sport. You spend 1/3 of your life sleeping, I wonder how much of it you spend in school? I don't think I will get an answer to that question but thats okay.

Tonight I also ate a frosty from Wendy's...and then went bowling, which didn't go over to swiftly...maybe if I had bowled in some time it would.

Well, I spend my moments typing away aimlessly, with nothing really important to say, or anything you would want to hear, and I am quite tired. You should know where this is leading....Thats all for now.

So Uncomfortable

2005-04-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

Shoes: $49.50 Dress: $174.95 Sleep: Priceless....for everything else there is mastercard!!!!

You may be wondering why I say such a stupid sentence or saying, but I sure don't. Two words: Fyock and Test. These two don't go together considerably well, and neither does studying for them. My brain is fried...and goodness I just want to lie down and go to sleep. Just a few minutes ago I dived into my bed...face first to pillows...and it was SO comfy. I really appreciate beds. How very much do I long to be sleeping in mine (probably 2 more hours).

We ate at the Great Wall today for lunch. It was okay. Not anything special - well I have had better, but it was better than school lunch, and the feeling of getting away just excited me.

Pollen is really tickling me and its not any fun what so ever. I am having very VERY BAD allergies. Its so awful, and just to mention, doesn't help me being tired + needed to write two essays and study for a test. Too much to be put on a teenager if you ask me. But who am I kidding, no body asked me. I guess the school doesn't care that I am missing church and sleep for them. However, this may be my fault, for I have known way too long in advanced everything for tomorrow. Somehow, I just put it off until tonight. I can promise that my procrastination is going to catch up with me one way or the other.

By the looks of the rate I am going right now, bloggin outwieghs everything else. I should tend to the glorious homework and studying that so, so, so graciously awaits me. Thats all for now.

One More Day In My Life

2005-04-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

Greetings: Today was a slow day, but a good one. My trip really helped me, but yet I continue to have a hard time at school. I am struggling, I really need some prayer.

Unfortunently I don't have a fun tale to tell you for today. Practice was a lot of work for once. We normally don't do much, but today I actually felt like I had to push myself harder. Can I just say what joy tomorrow will be. We will get to see ourselves crushed right before St.Joseph's.

The weather is becoming extremely beautiful, and this excites me! However, school is becoming extremely more tedious, and this doesn't quite enliven my spirits, as it may others (you are a very gifted person if it does, seriously)! Who knew you could snowboard in sand, haha or sandboard....certainly not me, but I just saw it on TV - the sand has to be annoying.

My pillows are calling me, I should answer them now. I will let you readers, well wait you all go to my school and it will be kind of pointless anyway, know how our game went (or what I thought of it anyway, not that it much matters, but this is my blog and I can write what I want to). Can I just say this last sentence doesn't make too much sense, but I am not fixing it, you can try to understand it, because it is confusing me trying to make it more understandable. And of all of this is confusing me so I should really go. So long for now!

Goodbye

2005-03-25T14:55:00.000-08:00

I thought I would write before I left for Florida. I have been doing pretty good...okay...I have been quite dumb. Anyhow it is 2:55 in the morning and I will be leaving at four...This entry sucks but I need to go take a shower and finish packing. Later--

Dawdling

2005-03-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

I am dawdling on studying for school, as if I havn't already spent most of my time on other things. Its 9:30, and what have I completed? I am not even going to answer this question, you should be able to figure it out. (Random: this reminds me of the Sauve commercial, except I never can tell who uses Sauve shampoo...haha..."If you can't tell then why should we?" -- that is so annoying, like I can really tell a difference.)

Anyhow. Today was another long day. And tonight has been evermuch (is that a word?) too short. I continue to think about many things, and I am having a hard time answering my own questions about things going in in my life. I thought it was just me who couldn't answer my questions, but I have asked several people on help for this issue, and I seem to find they don't really know what they would do either. All I can do is keep praying

Can I say I am so excited that spring break is at the tip of my fingers...and I can't wait to get ahold of it. Well sorry this entry isn't too interesting, (haha) like any others are. I shall stop dawdling and get to work -- it will be a wearisome night. So long for now my fellow readers...by the way I think I have had a few more, I am excited.

Threes

2005-03-22T20:23:00.000-08:00

Things have been wierd lately...and I am not quite sure how to describe it. Everything that is going on has to do with the number 3. (Maybe I am just paranoid or something). To give you some examples: I ran into 3 people at the mall today, I have 3 pairs of shoes on my floor, I called my house 3 times before I could get a hold of anyone, I have chewed 3 pieces of gum today, I had 3 very boring classes, I had 3 servings of the same thing to eat, and I was just talking to 3 people...there are plenty more or this 3 thing, and it is starting to freak me out!

Well I will stop being paranoid. Oh yes, Clarkage, I am sorry I forgot to remind you to ask me your question today...sorry (that was random).

Things have been going okay. A lot on my mind + schoolwork = an unusual not so going great ashley. I hope that makes sense, I thought about erasing it, but if you look at it enough you will get it (I kinda like it)!

Typing is making me tired...I shall retire for the night. Oh and I had 3 homework assgnments today (thought I would just mention that). 2 which I have not done yet...they are studying. Who really wants to study anyway? Certainly not me. Oh and what joy will tomorrow be - can I just say I am not photogenic and I don't take good pictures! And back to the 3 thing...my scene group for drama includes 3 ppl....I am telling you 3 is becoming way too involved in my life. Haha that was dumb...but I have many more examples! So long for now...surrely you won't miss me too much! Oh yeah, for something exciting: I have 3 readers now!!! Oh great 3 is haunting me again!

Failure

2005-03-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

How come nothing ever works?

Everything is always broken and everything you buy never works like it says it does! Urghh does this annoy me. Last night I wrote an entry to my blog. My computer messed it up and it got deleted. I didn't feel like writing it again, lest could I remember what I wrote.

Today was an okay day. I have had a lot on my mind. I didn't feel too well either. Anyhow I can't complain.

Speaking of failure, I have failed to mention my declining good mood for school, which has lead to a lack of my best, which has lead to a decline of grades! Bah...this is bad, very bad. Well life goes on...

We have a game tomorrow - this should be enteresting (did I fail to mention embarassing!).

Well before I fail even more, like I did with last nights homework, I should do the one bit of homework I now remembered. So long for now...

A Break

2005-03-14T18:40:00.000-08:00

Seeing as the faithful and dedicated writer I am...I must write for today. Last night I found something out I would rather not know...but its one of those things that will scar you for life. Anyhow if you could pray for me and this situation...I am in deep need of prayer.

I had a pretty good day today. I mainly procrastinated and hung out with some friends...but all night long I have been busy doing my schoolwork that I have been putting off. Most of which I have now postponed to do next weekend. But what was required for this week I am now completing, slowly but surely. Its going to be a long night.

Well, I needed the short break to come write. I will write more tomorrow. (maybe) I find many of my week days exstuciatingly (if that is a word...or even if I am using that right) busy. I must go now, my work is beckoning me, unfortunantley (I think I just murdered that word-I don't feel like figuring out how to spell it...all thats on my mind is the information for the wretched Fyock test that awaits me tomorrow morning-oh what a joy...can I just say how excited I am).

[Mood: fair...on a scale between a good and bad mood..I would be leaning more on the bad...but not completely]
[Listening to: nothing...to busy with work]

The Jeep Man

2005-03-13T16:58:00.000-08:00

Today has been fun so far. I wasn't able to go to church....yipers....I really did want to go.

Anyhow, I went to the Y to watch some fellow people play soccer. I was the only watcher for about five minutes....then Clarkage showed up an I didn't feel so lonely. Watching them play was okay.....but the most entertaining thing that happend was watching this random guy take his jeep up, and almost down, and big hill. And I don't mean a bunny hill. We thought he was going to flip...which would have been quite disasterous.

Then we got thirsty and wanted something to drink but, we, being the lazy people we are, didn't feel like walking all the way up to get a drink to satisfy out thirst quench. Anyways, we borrowed Shurdens car to go get a drink and Caroline and Joy tagged along....and Clarkage drove. Shurden was really scared to let us kind of leave with his car. He thought we would wreck(correction: "crash") it. Everything turned out good. After, I stuffed my face with some really good icecream from TCBY. Ashley + icecream = a very happy Ashley. So now I am feeling very good.

On the not so good side, I have much to be done. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. And once again havn't done anything today but gone out. Everything remains on my list of things to do except for taking a shower: I feel much cleaner now. The thing I forgot on that list was to wash. I have loads of wash I need to do. And yes, oh so sadley, I have to wash my own clothes. And the only thing I have done since I have been home, is type on this blog...which on a more happier note, I actually have one reader. Yay, I am quite overjoyed.

Hopefully what I have written has satisfied, because I actually have to do something. I have no clue where to begin. However, if I don't do anything I will be in big BIG trouble because tomorrow I am looking foward to, hopefully, going to our girls soccer game, being the devoted fan I am. So, saddely, I must leave you...I know it will be hard.

[Mood: good]
[Listening to: TV]

Procrastinating

2005-03-12T13:31:00.000-08:00

We meet again because I am typing aimlesly at my keyboard. Procrastinating. Listening to music. Somehow I don't seem to think it is reasonable for one to have so much work to do that it takes up my weekend. But that is my fault for procrastinating during the week saying I will do it over the weekend. Things I have to do: (not that your interested but I am going to tell you anyways, or any of you readers which I believe I have zero of right now)

1. Timeline for history
2. Timeline summary
3. Study for a wretched history test
4. Read the next chapter (somewhat optional but last time he gave us a quiz on the whole chapter.....none of which I had previoulsy read or even looked at as for that matter)
5. Study for a wretched bible test
6. Memorize stuff for drama
7. Look over what I missed in Geometry
8. Clean my tornado-stricken room
9. Take a shower....I feel distgusting, I just woke up and its like 1:23
10. Recheck out books from the library that were due yesterday
11. Work on Geometry project
12. Write notecards for history research project
13. I am sure I am missing something.....but more will come to be done.

I am going to stop writing....well procrastinating....not that anyone reads this anyway. But someday some will, and they will find me quite interesting....haha....I hope to gain some readers, maybe just maybe I will!!! I am out. (Thanks for the saying...haha, you know who you are!)

Seasons Greetings

2005-03-12T02:32:00.000-08:00

Seasons Greetings, its almost spring. Well not entirely. There is wretched wind and drastic temperature changes. I just got finished watching TV for about the first time in a month. All my bloody schoolwork along with softball has been consumming what I have of a life. I was thinking about quiting softball because my grades have been steadily declining as the basketball season had progressed, and quite frankly I do not think it will be any more of the better this second nine weeks.

This is my first blog entry....not much of anything, but enough for me because my body is yelping for sleep. I shall now give my body what it wants for the next portion of my day! See you. --I almost forgot, any ideas what I should call this thing at the top of my page, I have thought and thought and come up with nothing.

[Listening to: "Elevator Love Letter" - Stars]